Letter to my angel

"Before you saw the light of the day, I had holy plans" 

My dear Elisha

I love you. With an eternal and longing kind of love. A love that doesn't matter how far you are, it makes me feel that you are closer than ever. When I found out about you, I was ecstatic! Your daddy's and my anniversary was just 3 days away, and originally I was planning on telling your dad that day, but I couldn't wait for it so the moment he got home I told him about you. We were both so joyful, so filled with hope after waiting for you for a time than felt longer than normal. I talked to you everyday and your big brother Asher learned how to say baby and kiss my belly. He was so sweet connecting with you even that early on. 

I was kind of shocked when I starting having some minor bleeding. They told me not to worry and we scheduled an ultrasound just in case. Your daddy and I felt a little unsettled about it, but we when to the ultrasound full of hope and fear. Once they started the ultrasound, we knew right away that you were too beautiful for Earth. We wept in that tiny ultrasound room as it sank in to us that we won't be able to hold you for awhile, that there will not chubby cheeks to kiss, a first laugh to hear, or a competition to see if you say Mommy or Daddy first. 

It has been an interesting journey that on which we have had to embark. Some days are better than others, but I can tell you for sure that there is not one day that goes by that I don't miss you or think about you. Your name means "My God is salvation" and it is the fuel that pushes my faith as I think that your very own name reminds me that one day, I will see you again. I don't know in how long that will be or how are you going to look like, but I do know something... what a glorious day that will be.

Something that has help us to go through this is something your daddy was reminded of that your Aunty Lisa asked Jesus one time. As she hiked through mountains she encountered beautiful flowers all over it, she wonder "what a waste, these flowers won't be enjoyed by anyone." She then felt Jesus telling her that he values them and he enjoys them, and even if He is the only one who gets to enjoy them, they are still as valuable as any other flower. Your daddy felt Jesus telling him as we went through all the ups and downs of losing you that in the same way those flowers are there for Him and they have the same value than any other flower, your life wasn't any less valuable just because God is the only one that gets to see it. You are our little mountain flower. We will always be reminded of you, when we see one. 

I love you my precious child. I am still grieving for all the moments that we won't have here on Earth but I look forward to eternity with you. 

Love you, Mommy